What the hell is my problem?

Yeah, when I'm upset I write.  And most of the time it doesn't make sense.  I swear I've gotten so good at playing my roles that I don't even know me anymore.  And what I mean by that is that while I hurt so bad in every meaning of the word right now, nobody has a clue...not in the slightest.  Yeah, I've revealed my weaknesses now and again, but I can't - not I don't want to but quite literally am incapable of revealing how depressed I really am.  Which I suppose is good to an extent - I'm able to remain stable and function as a normal person in society, but there's no one that knows how close to the edge I am nor anyone to reach out and grab me when I go to fall,  But I have to be this way because people count on me, rely on me.  I rely on me. 

My Mind Is Wandering Again...Can you Catch It?

You know, I'm pretty sure I've got some kind of PTSD or bipolar or something because every few years I find myself back in this dangerous rut of thought where I feel like I'm losing my grip.  Work's stressful, but that's not the half of it...I think work's actually what keeps me from going too crazy right now, it gives me something to focus my energy on.  I just keep thinking...and thinking....and thinking.  Shane and Jess of course are always at the heart of everything.  Why them and not me?  I'm sure they would be doing a hell of a lot better job than I am.  I don't remember the last time I truly sang...with my heart.  There's so many things I need to take care of, but I don't.  My house is a wreck and instead of cleaning I'm sitting here writing in my blog.  I smoke cigarette after cigarette and the thoughts get deeper.  What used to be our best friends keep having parties, get togethers, youth rallies, etc, and we learn about them through facebook.  Or a friend of a friend of a friend.  Or the newspaper.  And you know, as much as I would like to have one person I call a friend, that's not even what pisses me off.  What pisses me off is how hurt my hubby is when he finds out that our friends are leaving us behind.  And then I think about my family.  My brother's pissed me off and I him, we don't get each other.  Never have.  My sister has a big heart, but we've always been miles apart (no rhyme intended...and meant both physically and metaphorically).  And my extended family?  One of them called me ONCE by MISTAKE in 3 years...It's really been almost 3 years since dad died...Why isn't it like this for everyone?  Everybody's lost somebody, but why do I feel like I'm the only one that's lost myself?  My God, what I wouldn't do to hear my grandma or aunt Shiela call me sweetie.  Or to hug my dad just once.  Or to hear Jess call James "Coyt" in that soft angelic voice of hers.  Or to just see Shane even if I couldn't hear or touch him.  Or to get my mother-in-law's advice...But I remember all of them so clearly that sometimes I can almost convince myself they aren't gone.  And I know it's wrong because it just hurts that much more when I come back to reality but I...I don't know how the fuck I keep it together.  Or why it's so hard.