What the hell is my problem?

Yeah, when I'm upset I write.  And most of the time it doesn't make sense.  I swear I've gotten so good at playing my roles that I don't even know me anymore.  And what I mean by that is that while I hurt so bad in every meaning of the word right now, nobody has a clue...not in the slightest.  Yeah, I've revealed my weaknesses now and again, but I can't - not I don't want to but quite literally am incapable of revealing how depressed I really am.  Which I suppose is good to an extent - I'm able to remain stable and function as a normal person in society, but there's no one that knows how close to the edge I am nor anyone to reach out and grab me when I go to fall,  But I have to be this way because people count on me, rely on me.  I rely on me. 

My Mind Is Wandering Again...Can you Catch It?

You know, I'm pretty sure I've got some kind of PTSD or bipolar or something because every few years I find myself back in this dangerous rut of thought where I feel like I'm losing my grip.  Work's stressful, but that's not the half of it...I think work's actually what keeps me from going too crazy right now, it gives me something to focus my energy on.  I just keep thinking...and thinking....and thinking.  Shane and Jess of course are always at the heart of everything.  Why them and not me?  I'm sure they would be doing a hell of a lot better job than I am.  I don't remember the last time I truly sang...with my heart.  There's so many things I need to take care of, but I don't.  My house is a wreck and instead of cleaning I'm sitting here writing in my blog.  I smoke cigarette after cigarette and the thoughts get deeper.  What used to be our best friends keep having parties, get togethers, youth rallies, etc, and we learn about them through facebook.  Or a friend of a friend of a friend.  Or the newspaper.  And you know, as much as I would like to have one person I call a friend, that's not even what pisses me off.  What pisses me off is how hurt my hubby is when he finds out that our friends are leaving us behind.  And then I think about my family.  My brother's pissed me off and I him, we don't get each other.  Never have.  My sister has a big heart, but we've always been miles apart (no rhyme intended...and meant both physically and metaphorically).  And my extended family?  One of them called me ONCE by MISTAKE in 3 years...It's really been almost 3 years since dad died...Why isn't it like this for everyone?  Everybody's lost somebody, but why do I feel like I'm the only one that's lost myself?  My God, what I wouldn't do to hear my grandma or aunt Shiela call me sweetie.  Or to hug my dad just once.  Or to hear Jess call James "Coyt" in that soft angelic voice of hers.  Or to just see Shane even if I couldn't hear or touch him.  Or to get my mother-in-law's advice...But I remember all of them so clearly that sometimes I can almost convince myself they aren't gone.  And I know it's wrong because it just hurts that much more when I come back to reality but I...I don't know how the fuck I keep it together.  Or why it's so hard. 

What Makes Me Sad

So I work in a town with a lot of meth heads.  And it makes me so sad.  They come in sometimes, and it's like I'm in Raccoon City...they're literally zombies.  Do they know what they look like?  Do they know how weird they act?  Do they care?  And it's especially sad when you see the young meth heads...the ones that haven't quite become zombies...yet.  They barely have the sores...their teeth are just starting to go...they don't quite do that gnawing thing yet, and you can still see a faint light in their eyes and you can see that it's dying.  I had a bunch of them come in the other night.  And I really think it broke my heart.  It breaks my heart to see people like that, almost gone but not yet so far that I can't see the potential of what they could have been.  And I can see the anger in them...that at any moment they can fly into a rage.  It makes me sad that people fall victim to that.  And it makes me sad that so many people have lost loved ones to drugs...almost a fate worse than death.  I am convinced that drugs come straight from Satan, and they are probably his strongest weapon, perhaps tied only with money and fame.  I know a few people that beat the drug.  They found The Lord, quit using, and have cleaned up their lives.  They are very beautiful people now that the light has returned to their eyes and skin.  But it breaks my heart knowing that very few methheads end up that way. 

We've Got a Problem...

We've got some new hires at work.  I let one of them slip off to the bathroom, and she comes back looking kind of scared.

"We've got a problem!  When I flushed the toilet, it's leaking onto the floor...but it's not overflowing.  Like, the back of the toilet is leaking...!"

I run off to the bathroom and take a peak.  I flush the toilet and wait for the water.  I see that it is spraying towards the top of the commode and actually running down the side of the toilet into the floor.  I call my boss, as I know little to nothing about plumbing.  Come to find out, someone stole the hose out of the back of our commode.

Sweet and Sour Sauce

So, this woman came into the gas station...

Woman:  I'd like one eggroll and a pack of marlboro lights.

Me:  Okay, would you like sweet and sour sauce with that?

Woman (turns to seven or eight year-old son):  Do you want the sweet or the sour?

(Son stares at mother, utterly confused)

Woman:  Damn it, John, do you want the sweet or the sour?  Pick one or you won't get either!!! 

(At this point, she's actually yelling at the poor kid and I'm watching, completely confused and amused)

Son:  I guess I'll have the sweet.

Woman:  He'll have the sweet.

Me:  Okay, ma'am, here's your sweet and sour sauce.

Motherhood

I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of Sassy crying.  I groggily get up to comfort her as I hear her start to throw up.  This was our new routine tonight but, thankfully, my little girl finally seemed to be feeling better.  I let her lay down with me and we both fall asleep, her in my arms.  Before my alarm clock goes off, my other daughter, Jasmine, is jumping up and down, rather painfully, on my arms and stomach.  "Mommy, get up!  I'm hungry!!"  Sassy, rejuvenated by the morning light, joins Jasmine and her other two sisters in a chorus of "Feed us, Feed us!"

I wake up my husband and we both drag ourselves into the kitchen, our little girls racing (and beating) us there.  Lily and Gaz are noisily throwing their toys around as I set out breakfast and dad gives them all something to drink.  Jasmine, always the last to the table, throws a fit because she doesn't want to be between Lily and Sassy and, Heaven Forbid!  Gaz is taking up too much room.   Jasmine then insists on having some of daddy's milk and, before we know it, the table has become a white lake.

Finally, everyone is fed and all of the messes are cleaned up.  I glance at the clock and realize I am almost running late.  I hastily grab my uniform and am on my way to work.  Throughout the day, I get a few text messages from my husband letting me know that, aside from quite a few small annoyances, everything is okay.

When I eventually make it home, our girls abandon their jungle gym and meet me at the door, Jasmine practically leaping into my arms.  I give them all a hug and a kiss and get settled in.  Sassy shows me a new trick she learned and my heart practically jumps from my chest as I pry the little copper penny from her tiny throat.  Lily gets a hold of some plastic and it's a repeat of the incident with Sassy.  Soon, the two are chasing each other around the house and I have to break them up before anyone is hurt.  I hear yelling in the other room and have to get on to Jasmine for kicking Gaz.  Everyone settles down for nap time and my husband and I finally have a moment together.  We watch some t.v. and then I get on the computer to write this blog.  When my little girls wake up, they fight to be in my lap, adding "sldakfj" and "oodaooo89" to this entry when they each get the chance. 

Sassy gets restless and decides she's going to win the attention battle once and for all.  She takes her little arms and begins swiping them across the living room table, leaving destruction in her wake.  Daddy yells at Sassy, who responds with a defiant look followed by more things crashing to the floor.  I jump up to intervene, "Sassy! Don't make me put you in time out!"  She returns my glare with a stubborn look of her own.  I begin counting.  "One..."  She continues her challenge.  "Two..."  She moves closer to a pile of magazines.  "Thr--" They have barely made it off the side of the table before Sassy is in my arms and on her way to time out.  She cries for the three minutes that she's separated from the rest of the family.

They interrupt everything from sleeping to intimacy, but our life would be so empty without the pitter patter of their little feet.  All of the trouble they cause is well worth the adorable things they do, the joy of watching them grow, and the adoration we all share for each other. 

I love my cats.

Jasmine

Lily

Sassy

Gaz

My Old Life

Okay, I guess we're going two for two on the depressing posts tonight.  (I apologize if there really is anyone actually reading this).  I miss them.  I miss them soooo much is fucking hurts.  I miss them so much that I said f**k.  It hurts that bad.  It hurts so bad that I don't think all of the alcohol in the world could numb the pain.  Some days, it hurts more than others.  And today, it really hurts.  It hurts because I need them, because I miss them, because I love them.  And it hurts because I see how much it still hurts everyone else.  There's not a single person from my old life that doesn't still hurt...and I can see it.  We've all gone our separate ways.  We've all changed.  You can't lose people that awesome and not change.  Since they died, I've met people that knew them and without even having known these people before, I can tell that they changed.  Shane and Jess were so truly amazing you couldn't not change after that day.  Two of the brightest lights on this planet went out that day.  I'm not old, but I'm tired.  And not in the sense that I can go to sleep and wake up and everything will be all better.  I'm tired.  I'm tainted.  But life goes on.

Rest in Peace...

Tainted

Once upon a time, there were these two very amazing people.  So amazing that they became our best friends moments after we met.  So alive and beautiful and wonderful and talented that they were almost too good to be true.  So alive and beautiful and wonderful and talented that it seemed like they could never go anywhere.  And then they died.  July 4th, 2010 - a month before she would have been 19, five months after he turned twenty.  One day they were alive and beautiful and wonderful and talented and then, just like that, they were gone.  Forever.

Now, you see, I am a believer in the Lord.  I love Him with everything I am.  And I know beyond doubt that my best friends are with Him.  But it's still hard.  Like a rat in a maze, I can't always see the bigger picture.  The only person I've ever loved as much as I loved Shane and Jess is my husband.  Once upon a time, we were really good.  And then we met Shane and Jess.  And they we were great - terrific, even.  And then, like a dream you wake up from too soon and forever long to finish, they were gone.  And suddenly, it's impossible to remember what it's like to be good.

It's been almost a year.  And it's almost harder today than it was the day I got the phone call.  Maybe it's because I'm 20.  And she's still 18.  Maybe it's because it's just been that much longer since I've seen my best friends.  Maybe it's because I don't know what the future holds and I don't have them to face it with.  Whatever the reason, it's not getting any easier.

See, they were more than just friends.  They were, like...our other halves.  If you took me and my husband, sliced us both down the middle, and combined one of his halves with one of mine, you'd have Shane.  Combine the other two, and you'd have Jess.  I remember staying up late with them one night, talking about how much we all loved each other.  We were talking about how, upon meeting each other, it was like meeting our soulmates.  We talked about how in the first five minutes, we knew the four of us were meant to spend our lives together (not in any kind of inappropriate way, but the best-friend-til-death kind of way) and that it was almost like we'd always known each other.  And then, just as quickly as they blew in to our lives, they were gone.

Now, I've lost a lot of people.  My dad, grandma, and mother-in-law among them.  All three losses were hard, but it always got better.  But Shane and Jess...I always figured they'd be around.  And even if they weren't around, well, they'd be.  I figured we'd all see 21, 30...kids, grandkids, life.  There's so many things I want to share with them.  So many concerts we would have taken them to, so many places I want them to see, so many people they'd love to meet.  In fact, it hurts SOOOO much, I can't let myself really think about them.  Not really.  If I let myself remember then exactly the way they were, I think I might quite literally go insane.  I think I could get so caught up in the memories that I would never want to come back.  And I quite possibly never would.

Since Shane and Jess, our social life has pretty much died, as well.  I'll be honest, no matter how hard I try not to, I will always hold potential friends to an impossibly high standard.  There will never be anyone as perfect as they were.  There will never be anyone that could ever bond with me and my husband as quickly and as flawlessly as they did.  There will never be anyone ever again that could mean that much to us...partly because they were perfect and partly because I honestly think I would drop dead it would hurt so much if I ever had to lose someone that close ever again.  Every time I hear about someone dying or I lose someone close, it always goes back to them.  It's like losing them all over again. 

The second reason I feel that it is impossible for me to make real friends anymore is because I'm tainted.  My husband was there.  My old friends were there.  They know what the world lost and they are also tainted.  They know what it's like to lose the world.  I don't know that I could ever get close to the untainted.  If someone untainted could ever understand the craziness that lingers just beneath my surface.

Emery!!

The Old Daisy Theater

Cool mural on Beale Street next to the New Daisy

A few of the people on Beale Street (Note the
"cool" kids on the left that made me feel SO uncool)

"To Speak of Wolves"
They were really awesome.

It's really dark, but it's the lead singer of "To Speak of Wolves" in the audience.

EMERY!!!

EMERY

Acoustic Emery

Afrin ADDICTION?!?

My husband's allergies were starting to act up now that it's becoming Spring.  So, I bought him a bottle of Afrin nasal spray.  It really helped, so when he ran out, I bought him a few bottles of Equate's equivalent to Afrin - same active ingredient, same dose, just cheaper.  The first bottles lasted three days.  The second lasted about a day and a half.  Six bottles later, he blew through two in twenty-four hours.  And now he's out and his nose is barricaded shut.  So, he had me google ways to clear his stuffed up nose.  Well, as I'm reading about home remedies for stuffy noses, every other website is saying...
                "Don't Use Afrin."
              "Avoid OTC nasal sprays."
        "Don't fall into ADDICTION from the rebound effect."

So, I get to reading.  Apparently, Afrin and its off-brand equivalents are addictive.  You use Afrin for sinus relief.  An hour later, when you are stuffed up again, you use it again.  Then you need it forty-five minutes later and so on until your nose can no longer function properly without it.  Some people have been using it multiple times daily for 20+ years because they simply can no longer breathe without it.  It's expensive.  It's inconvenient.  And it's dangerous.  Apparently, it can lead to chronic nose bleeds, atrophic rhinitis, and many other permanent conditions that require surgery to repair. 

The label on the equate OTC Afrin-equivalent nasal spray reads:

"Do not use for more than 3 days.  Frequent or prolonged use may cause nasal congestion to come back or get worse."

In what way is that an accurate warning that can be interpreted as, "Using this product for more than three days can lead to a life-long addiction and permanent breathing problems that will likely require expensive, painful surgery, after which you will still probably never breathe correctly again." ???

Dear Mr. Cigarette,

I love you very much.  We've been inseparable for years and you've been by my side through a lot.  But I think it's time we end this affair we've been having.  You see, you take my breath away.  No, really, quite literally.  I avoid sports because of you.  And, well, you see, I spend a LOT of my money on you...and you get me kicked out of places.  You make me miss movies, parts of concerts, and even time with my other friends.  You make me spazz out when we're not together...and sometimes you make me feel dirty when we are.  You ruin my clothes, my car, and just about anything else you can get your hot little hands on.  Sometimes I feel like I can't live without you, when really I can't live with you.  Again, quite literally.  And that's the problem.  See, you kinda helped kill my dad (for the record, I really miss him) and now you're killing me.  So why the hell are you still my friend?

Bittersweet Goodbyes,
Shannon

Quitting Smoking Ramble

Soooo...we're quitting smoking (this is like our 4th or 5th time, I think) and I'll be honest, I feel like I'm killing a friend.  See, I've been smoking for about 9 years now, been at a pack a day for about 6 years.  All of my friends smoke.  I smoke when I'm sad, mad, happy, excited, angry, hungry, full, in the car, first waking up, cooking, cleaning, talking on the phone...pretty much anytime I change activities unless I'm at work.  And cigarettes have always been a very good friend.  They're a form of meditation of sorts...they calm me down, make me less nervous...when I hide behind a cigarette, I don't feel as exposed.  Okay, so I've got like serious anxiety issues without cigarettes.

...BUT...

We're quitting because they're so expensive.  We spend $200+ a month on cigarettes, easy.  And how much will we be spending when Missouri taxes go up?  It's ridiculous.  And I'm already starting to breathe better and my sense of smell is amazing and it's only been 4 days.  I did the nicotine lozenges at first, but I didn't have any nicotine yesterday, so 20 or so hours, and there will be no more nicotine in my blood....for the first time since...well, for the first time in a long time.  And I'm pretty sure it's good for our cats if we quit.

They say I'll have more energy once I quit, but right now, I'm feeling more fatigue...but I've barely quit, too.  And, I'll be honest, my teeth feel cleaner.  I know that's weird...but they really do, not that they felt dirty to begin with.

And for my final epiphany.  I really hate meth and cocaine and all the other drugs that ruin people's lives.  And I mean I hate it as in I hate what it does to people and society, not I hate it as in personal preference because I wouldn't touch the stuff at gunpoint.  But I got to thinking...how are my cigarettes any different, really?  I mean, they don't make me lose my mind or act insane (though perhaps slightly nutty when I'm having a nicotine fit) AND they're legal, but still...I feel as though I can't live without cigarettes sometimes.  Honestly, under normal circumstances, I would honestly sacrifice everything short of bill money and cat food for cigarettes, even when I only have half a tank of gas and my shoes are almost falling apart.  I would sacrifice a bathroom break for a cigarette if the choice came down to it.  I will avoid certain places and people JUST BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN'T SMOKE if I don't.  How is that any better than any other drug that I am so strongly against?  God made tobacco, but did he necessarily intend for my life to revolve around the inhalation of it and numerous toxic chemicals and carcinogens that were added to it by man?  I seriously doubt it.  The effects of cigarettes may not be as obvious or occur as quickly as those of meth, but cigarettes will eventually ruin my white teeth...eventually age my young face...eventually take my breath away and weaken my heart, as they have already started to do, I'm sure.  Why should I pay money I work so hard to earn so that I can be a slave to a friend that is killing me slowly?  That's no friend of mine...

Snyder v. Phelps

Morality... 
                  Values...
                               Decency... 
Respect.  

                                            What has become of our society? 

"The Supreme Court ruled on Wednesday that members of a fundamentalist church have a free-speech right to hold anti-gay protests at military funerals to promote their view that God hates America for tolerating homosexuality."

A family was trying to bury their dead son, a fallen marine, and were joined by protesters holding signs that said hateful comments such as "God hates you" and "Thank God for dead soldiers."  When they sued for damages, the Supreme Court sided with the protesters!  The protesters were expressing their personal religious views that God is killing people's loved ones because The Lord is angry that our society is exercising tolerance towards homosexuality.  While my liberal views are probably better saved for another entry, I personally find their course of action to be a contradiction within itself.  AND they should be ashamed of themselves.

According to the Bible that these protesters claim to follow, God loves ALL of His children.  I understand that the morality of homosexuality upsets a lot of people, but what justifies being mean and hateful about expressing your point?  If you approach me with hostility, I'm not likely to consider learning to share your viewpoint.  So if you viciously cause emotional harm to someone at one of their lowest points, in what way will that persuade them to listen to you?  In what way does that teach people to love the Lord?  In what way does that teach people that the Lord loves them? 

"In the court's opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts said the church's beliefs and its signs related to issues of public importance, including political and moral conduct in the United States."

Moral conduct.  Hmm.  Who out there knows what it's like to lose a loved one?  The pain and shock and regret.  A funeral is a quiet time for goodbyes, for respect of both the dead and the ones left behind.  In what way does giving people the right to violate someone else's mourning to express a political point on a personal matter?  Especially when the point doubles or triples the pain of the mourning?  I am a steadfast supporter of the freedom of speech.  I believe it is equally our most important as well as our most powerful freedom as Americans.  However, I believe there is a time and place for everything.  I believe that limiting our country's freedom of speech just so slightly that it could protect people in their darkest hour, that limiting certain behaviors for the 2, 3 hours it takes for a family to say goodbye...that's not unconstitutional.  I believe the pain of loss can be felt across a multitude of religions.  I think sparing the funeral protests for another day is a small freedom we can all justifiably afford to lose.