Grand Design

Wanting a baby is like YHVH wanting us in the beginning.  It's like Yah wanting us now.

Yah even lets us kind of feel like we have a part in creating them through conception and childbirth.

Carrying and loving that baby bump is like how when YHVH says that He knew us and loved us before we were born.

Like we are made in our Father's image, our children are born in our likeness, as flesh of our flesh.

Preparing a nursery and nesting the home is like Yah creating His perfect creation before He placed man in it.

Sleepless nights, back aches, childbirth, worries, spending money, and time are sacrifices mommies and daddies make so babies can live and grow and thrive.

Why do we want a baby? 
So we can love them.

Sabbath pt 2

Shabbat Shalom!

Exodus 16:25-30 KJV

[25] And Moses said, Eat that to day; for to day is a sabbath unto the Lord : to day ye shall not find it in the field. [26] Six days ye shall gather it; but on the seventh day, which is the sabbath, in it there shall be none. [27] And it came to pass, that there went out some of the people on the seventh day for to gather, and they found none. [28] And the Lord said unto Moses, How long refuse ye to keep my commandments and my laws? [29] See, for that the Lord hath given you the sabbath, therefore he giveth you on the sixth day the bread of two days; abide ye every man in his place, let no man go out of his place on the seventh day. [30] So the people rested on the seventh day.

Exodus 20:8-11 KJV

[8] Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. [9] Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: [10] But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: [11] For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is , and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

Exodus 31:13-15 KJV

[13] Speak thou also unto the children of Israel, saying, Verily my sabbaths ye shall keep: for it is a sign between me and you throughout your generations; that ye may know that I am the Lord that doth sanctify you. [14] Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people. [15] Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the Lord : whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.

Leviticus 19:30 KJV

[30] Ye shall keep my sabbaths, and reverence my sanctuary: I am the Lord .

Deuteronomy 5:12-15 KJV

[12] Keep the sabbath day to sanctify it, as the Lord thy God hath commanded thee. [13] Six days thou shalt labour, and do all thy work: [14] But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thine ox, nor thine ass, nor any of thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; that thy manservant and thy maidservant may rest as well as thou. [15] And remember that thou wast a servant in the land of Egypt, and that the Lord thy God brought thee out thence through a mighty hand and by a stretched out arm: therefore the Lord thy God commanded thee to keep the sabbath day.

Isaiah 1:13 KJV

[13] Bring no more vain oblations; incense is an abomination unto me; the new moons and sabbaths, the calling of assemblies, I cannot away with; it is iniquity, even the solemn meeting.

Isaiah 56:2 KJV

[2] Blessed is the man that doeth this, and the son of man that layeth hold on it; that keepeth the sabbath from polluting it, and keepeth his hand from doing any evil.

Isaiah 58:13-14 KJV

[13] If thou turn away thy foot from the sabbath, from doing thy pleasure on my holy day; and call the sabbath a delight, the holy of the Lord , honourable; and shalt honour him, not doing thine own ways, nor finding thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own words: [14] Then shalt thou delight thyself in the Lord ; and I will cause thee to ride upon the high places of the earth, and feed thee with the heritage of Jacob thy father: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it .

Nehemiah 13:19-20 KJV

[19] And it came to pass, that when the gates of Jerusalem began to be dark before the sabbath, I commanded that the gates should be shut, and charged that they should not be opened till after the sabbath: and some of my servants set I at the gates, that there should no burden be brought in on the sabbath day. [20] So the merchants and sellers of all kind of ware lodged without Jerusalem once or twice.

Amos 8:5 KJV

[5] Saying, When will the new moon be gone, that we may sell corn? and the sabbath, that we may set forth wheat, making the ephah small, and the shekel great, and falsifying the balances by deceit?

Luke 4:16 KJV

[16] And he came to Nazareth, where he had been brought up: and, as his custom was, he went into the synagogue on the sabbath day, and stood up for to read.

--

It's not a sin to do good on the Sabbath (if someone is choking, you can do the Heimlich maneuver) (John 9), nor is it sinful to cook/gather/eat (Matthew 12), nor is it sinful to pull your ox out of the ditch (or buy jumper cables when your car won't start) (Luke 14:5).

A big thing about the verses about the sabbath is you really have to have a pretty solid understanding of the Old Testament to understand what they are talking about in the New Testament.

YAHVEH-YIREH

Ebola, ISIS, Hamas, one world order, martial law…

Point blank, whatever is going to happen is going to happen.  There is no reason to be afraid or to worry about that what you cannot change.  But the one thing that I do know, all devices will fail.  And I don't mean your cell phone, though I am sure it will too, but I mean if you really want to be safe from terrible things, GIVE IT ALL TO YAH. 

YAHVEH-YIREH (Yah provides)

Deuteronomy 4:29-31 KJV

[29] But if from thence thou shalt seek Yahveh thy Elohim thou shalt find, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul. [30] When thou art in tribulation, and all these things are come upon thee, even in the latter days, if thou turn to the Yahveh thy Elohim, and shalt be obedient unto his voice; [31] (For the Yahveh your Mighty One is a merciful El;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them.

In the meantime, reading about all the crap in the world really just drops our countenance and wastes precious, limited time that could be spent reading something much more valuable…

Moral Obligation

As one who walks with Yah, I believe we have a moral obligation to go above and beyond what Scripture commands so that our actions cannot be perceived as out of accordance with The Word.   So as not to aid someone in rationalizing something in a way that is not in accordance with Yah.  So as not to rationalize ourselves in a way that is not in accordance with Yah.

We should be modest with those things that require a deeper understanding around those who do not have the wisdom to understand. 

James 1:22 KJV

[22] But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

Deuteronomy 27:18 KJV

[18] Cursed he that maketh the blind to wander out of the way. And all the people shall say, Amein.

Proverbs 8:11 KJV

[11] For wisdom better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it.

Luke 12:48 KJV

[48] ...For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required...

1 Corinthians 8:13 KJV

[13] Wherefore, if meat make my brother to offend, I will eat no flesh while the world standeth, lest I make my brother to offend.

Real

In a world where Kings and Queens are figureheads and leaders don't lead, it's hard to understand the power of THE KING.

When nothing is kept personal and anything goes, HOLY is a foreign concept.

When we abort babies and husbands for convenience sake, LOVE is cheapened.

In a world where people blow each other up in movies and games and back alleys and schools, LIFE is just a word.  And all that other crap is just part of it.

You are deprived without internet but never without food.  That isn't luck, that's BLESSED.

RESPECT

HONOR

GLORY

DILIGENCE

TRUST

SACRIFICE

We live in a world of words with no meaning.  That is the work of the enemy (Yahveh rebuke him).

Once upon a time, I realized these words didn't invoke any emotion in me.  I was numb.  I was blind.  I was living in darkness.

If these words don't make you feel, you're numb too.

Wake up!  

Persecution

Matthew 5:12 KJV

[12] Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

Acts 5:41 KJV

[41] And they departed from the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name.

New Moon

2 Kings 4:23 KJV

[23] And he said, Wherefore wilt thou go to him to day? it is neither new moon, nor sabbath. And she said, It shall be well.

1 Chronicles 23:31 KJV

[31] And to offer all burnt sacrifices unto the Lord in the sabbaths, in the new moons, and on the set feasts, by number, according to the order commanded unto them, continually before the Lord :

2 Chronicles 2:4 KJV

[4] Behold, I build an house to the name of the Lord my God, to dedicate it to him, and to burn before him sweet incense, and for the continual shewbread, and for the burnt offerings morning and evening, on the sabbaths, and on the new moons, and on the solemn feasts of the Lord our God. This is an ordinance for ever to Israel.

2 Chronicles 8:13 KJV

[13] Even after a certain rate every day, offering according to the commandment of Moses, on the sabbaths, and on the new moons, and on the solemn feasts, three times in the year, even in the feast of unleavened bread, and in the feast of weeks, and in the feast of tabernacles.

2 Chronicles 31:3 KJV

[3] He appointed also the king's portion of his substance for the burnt offerings, to wit , for the morning and evening burnt offerings, and the burnt offerings for the sabbaths, and for the new moons, and for the set feasts, as it is written in the law of the Lord .

Isaiah 66:23 KJV

[23] And it shall come to pass, that from one new moon to another, and from one sabbath to another, shall all flesh come to worship before me, saith the Lord .

Ezekiel 46:1 KJV

[1] Thus saith the Lord God ; The gate of the inner court that looketh toward the east shall be shut the six working days; but on the sabbath it shall be opened, and in the day of the new moon it shall be opened.

Amos 8:5 KJV

[5] Saying, When will the new moon be gone, that we may sell corn? and the sabbath, that we may set forth wheat, making the ephah small, and the shekel great, and falsifying the balances by deceit?

Sabbath

SABBATH

Genesis 2:2-3 KJV

[2] And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. [3] And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

Exodus 16:23-26 KJV

[23] And he said unto them, This is that which the Lord hath said, To morrow is the rest of the holy sabbath unto the Lord : bake that which ye will bake to day , and seethe that ye will seethe; and that which remaineth over lay up for you to be kept until the morning. [24] And they laid it up till the morning, as Moses bade: and it did not stink, neither was there any worm therein. [25] And Moses said, Eat that to day; for to day is a sabbath unto the Lord : to day ye shall not find it in the field. [26] Six days ye shall gather it; but on the seventh day, which is the sabbath, in it there shall be none.

Exodus 16:30 KJV

[30] So the people rested on the seventh day.

Exodus 20:11 KJV

[11] For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is , and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

Exodus 23:12 KJV

[12] Six days thou shalt do thy work, and on the seventh day thou shalt rest: that thine ox and thine ass may rest, and the son of thy handmaid, and the stranger, may be refreshed.

Exodus 31:15 KJV

[15] Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the Lord : whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.

Exodus 34:21 KJV

[21] Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest: in earing time and in harvest thou shalt rest.

Exodus 35:2 KJV

[2] Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day there shall be to you an holy day, a sabbath of rest to the Lord : whosoever doeth work therein shall be put to death.

Deuteronomy 5:14 KJV

[14] But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thine ox, nor thine ass, nor any of thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; that thy manservant and thy maidservant may rest as well as thou.

Hebrews 4:4 KJV

[4] For he spake in a certain place of the seventh day on this wise, And God did rest the seventh day from all his works.

Luke 23:56 KJV

[56] And they returned, and prepared spices and ointments; and rested the sabbath day according to the commandment.

Staring down Goliath

I was reading 1 Samuel 17 this morning, the story of David and Goliath.  The most powerful thing about that story to me is not that Goliath was a giant or that David was a child or even that he won with only one shot from his sling.  To me, the most powerful message is that this little kid or teenager (scripture says youth) was not afraid.  he was standing up for what he knew was righteous (The armies of Israel) and he owned the attitude of, "Pfft!  Yah's got this!"

The mustard seed attitude is easier said than done.

But ya know what?

Pfft!  Yah's got this!

Do you remember

Do you remember the first time

Do you remember the feeling inside

Do you remember the first time you lied

And a piece of your conscience that died

Do you remember 

Do you remember

I can remember the first time I swore

The first time I took pride in the dress that I wore

I can remember the first time I was meant

I knew it was wrong, it was felt in my being

Do you remember the first time

Do you remember the feeling inside

Do you remember the first time you pried 

And that little piece of your conscience that died

Do you remember 

Do you remember

I can remember the first time

I do remember that feeling inside

I remember the first time I slacked off and said that I tried

Remembering the pieces of conscience paralyzed

HalaluYah !

Yahshua conquered death 

Filthy

The dirt on my hands

Affects where I stand

Heart-driven vision 

Trying to pad where I'll land

I need dry land

I'm drowning in what I am

And I'm screaming

Filthy, filthy 

I've been so filthy

Yahveh yireh 

Won't you please hear me

Guilty, guilty

I am so guilty

Yahveh yireh

I need you near me

So far from you I'm nothing more 

Than a ghost of what I used to be

Come to me and show me more 

Show me what's yet unseen

So long I've been like this

An empty shell with nothing left to lose

Please save me from myself

Please help me RUN TO YOU

Working all day for the fake pay

Trying to walk the straight way

But the choir is singing come play

This way

The voice is fall fall away

But I am here and here I am screaming 

(Chorus except for "you know I'm guilty")

Letter to the Editor

First and foremost, I want to express that I do not have any kind of enmity towards my coworkers nor the people below me.

I told you that I would tell you if I was not fine.  So as not to render myself a liar, I am sending you this correspondence.  When we spoke last Thursday and yesterday, I wasn't really sure how I felt and am still not entirely sure but will do my best to illiterate my feelings on the subject.

As far as work ethic and work performance, I have made all decisions in fairness and have always taken actions as I have seen fit only for the best interest of the company and never for my own intentions or motives.  I have only behaved professionally at work.  For example, I passionately believe pork is an abomination.  But I cook, serve, and even promote pork products within stores (bacon wrapped chicken skewers, corn dogs, sausage, etc).  I passionately believe catfish and pangasius are both abominations.  But I cook, serve, and endorse them within stores, as well.  I even voluntarily promoted some of these items via facebook.  If offered, I politely decline and say I don't eat them without explanation.  If pushed, I will provide that it is for religious reasons.  I believe that xmas is a ridiculously wicked pagan holiday but I watch register in my stores for them to have an xmas party.  I don't discourage them from decorating.  I make them treat their employees fairly for those days.  And I volunteer to work extra so others don't have to.  I went to the xmas party and said nothing to anybody about my feelings about xmas and was discreet about dodging the return of many awkward holiday wishes either by distraction or feigned deafness.  I was both professional and respectful.  Even when the food I had ordered turned out to have bacon in it, I politely and inconspicuously pushed it to the side and continued on.

As for religion on my Facebook, my Facebook is in no way linked to the corporate Facebook nor to that of the stores.  My Facebook does not reflect employment and I don't discuss nor refer to work.  In fact, there are very few pictures even linking my Facebook to me and those would require some "creeping," or online stalking, meaning that an adult willingly sought the content of my Facebook.  Other adults on my Facebook were given the warning or disclaimer that my Facebook is personal and not business related.  While the twisted American court system may side with your right to curb my freedom of speech, I neither ethically nor morally agree with the decision.  I understand your fears of how it may reflect on the company, but I feel they are unjustified.  By removing the only social connection I did have with select coworkers, I feel as though you have successfully built the very wall you were seeking to destroy.   I know that there is a "division" between me and others and there always will be as scripture commands the "set-apartness" of Israel.  I diligently seek to conceal this in the work environment by focusing on current tasks and productivity, it does not however change the compassion I do feel towards coworkers and the Jordan's "family."  And while I may understand your personal objections to some of my posts, I don't feel that they are in any way rude or inappropriate as you expressed, as I am careful to word them in the most politically correct way possible while still conveying my point.

I feel like by you asking me to call the Holy Days vacation days, you are asking me to lie because I work extra on other days to make up the hours of the ones that I missed.

I have compromised a lot of things in my relationship with Jordan's in exchange for what I mistook as respect and, I guiltily must admit, partially for fleshly fear of rejection, such as hats for headcoverings in an attempt to be "professional" though they do not coincide with the Greek word "katakalupto" translated as "cover" in 1 Corinthians 11.  While both the seventh day sabbath and feasts bar any form of work (even cooking on most), I have diligently answered my phone day and night, even postponing worship services and such for even the most trivial calls, many of which most would likely politely be postponed if I did not conceal many of my beliefs so as not to reflect illy on the company.  I have rationalized myself away from convictions such as the keeping of New Moon as a sabbath (The next one on a weekday is Dec 23 btw).

I have appreciated and do appreciate all of the things you have done for me, such as time off when my husband was sick, allowing me to take off for the Feast Days, for bonuses, free lunches, my cell phone, etc.  I am truly thankful for every opportunity.  

It does not, however, compensate for the hurt and disrespect that I felt after our conversation.  As for retribution, I don't know that it is possible at this time.  I am merely determined to maintain my utmost professionalism while I take the time to reevaluate my thoughts and feelings regarding these matters.

Be Somebody

You don't have to be somebody to be somebody.

--

Genesis 25:27 KJV

[27] And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.

--

Isaiah 53:2-5 KJV

[2] For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him. [3] He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. [4] Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of Elohim, and afflicted. [5] But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

Like a Melody

The world tells me

That you're no good for me

Out of jealousy

On my mind like a melody

There's a story of us

Written since the beginning

Of love and of blood 

And I know who is winning

On my mind like a melody

I would give it all

Just to keep you here

This love is real

And real to fear

On my mind like a melody

The world tells me

That you're no good for me

Out of jealousy

On my mind like a melody

My days pass by

Under chemtrail skies

Waiting for the day

That You roll it all away ayeayee

On my mind like a melody

I don't care what they say

I'm gonna love you anyway

Nothing could make this feeling

Go away

You're on my mind like a melody

The world tells me

That you're no good for me

Out of jealousy

On my mind like a melody

Torah defense

For reference 

--

I have thought and prayed about this a lot since your response and debated even replying with a true response at all.  I actually wasn't intentionally directing the conversation to Torah (the law - Genesis-Deuteronomy) but I respect how Yahveh leads all things.  I pray that you can read and study these words, as I have humbly read (though still disagree with) your article with open ears to hear.

 I really and truly believe that you do have a good heart for Yah and are mislead by the world, as I and many others have been (and many still are).  There are a lot of things to address from your response, so I apologize beforehand for the length of mine.

Firstly, I appreciate your attempts to "free me from the law."  And I respect that you have consulted with our Father before responding.  I apologize for the misconception that you felt lead to "defend Christ against self-righteous humans."  I do not feel that I am self-righteous, though I feel my righteousness is justified by the word.  One misconception about keeping the law is that you have to fulfill (definition: achieve or realize; Strong's defines as follows Romans 8:4 KJV [4] That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled [filled to the top] in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.) it 100%, the law makes provision for transgressions with repentance and, by the grace of Christ, death is overturned and we are forgiven without sin sacrifices (Christ was our sin sacrifice) but not without sacrifice of self.  The greasy grace lie of Christianity today is the work of the enemy.  To say, "Oh well, I'm a sinner and that's that" discourages us from taking up our crosses and chasing after YHVH.

I am not without sin  (1 John 1:10 KJV. [10] If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.).   I do however strive to be perfect as we are instructed (Matthew 5:48 KJV [48] Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.) and it is possible to have a PERFECT heart under the law, according to the law, with the provision of proper repentance and retribution and love of Yah and Christ in keeping the commandments (Deuteronomy 11:13 KJV [13] And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love Yahveh your Elohim, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul;  Matthew 22:37-38 KJV [37] Yahshua ("Jesus") said unto him, Thou shalt love Yahveh thy Elohim ("God") with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. [38] This is the first and great commandment.)

-- 

As for the passing away of the law, there are a few vital verses:

Matthew 5:18 KJV

[18] For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle (pen stroke) shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

Heaven and Earth haven't passed. 

Deuteronomy 4:40 KJV

[40] Thou shalt keep therefore his statutes, and his commandments, which I command thee this day, that it may go well with thee, and with thy children after thee, and that thou mayest prolong thy days upon the earth, which YHVH thy Elohim giveth thee, FOR EVER.

What does forever mean?

Romans 2:12 KJV

[12] For as many as have sinned without law SHALL ALSO PERISH WITHOUT LAW: and as many as have sinned in the law shall be judged by the law;

1 John 3:4 KJV

[4] Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for SIN IS THE TRANSGRESSION OF THE LAW.

2 Timothy 3:16 KJV

[16] ALL SCRIPTURE is given by inspiration of Elohim ("God"), and is PROFITABLE FOR DOCTRINE, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness

Note that this being in the New Testament when they only really had the Old Testament written AFTER Yahshua was crucified...

1 John 2:6 KJV

[6] He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he (Yahshua) walked.

Yahshua kept Sabbath (Luke 6:6, Luke 13:10), came for ISRAEL (Matthew 15:24 KJV [24] But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.), into which you can be grafted in (Romans 11).  And there are many more verses showing Him keeping of the law.

-- 

Prophecy says people will not keep the law in latter days... And they will perish for it...

Isaiah 66:17 KJV

[17] They that sanctify themselves, and purify themselves in the gardens behind one tree in the midst, eating swine's flesh, and the abomination, and the mouse, shall be consumed together, saith YHVH

-------------------------------------

Now to address the article.  Three things are very important in understanding scripture -

1.  Context

2.  Actual Meanings

3.  Culture

---

Article says:

Malachi 3:9 says, "Ye are cursed with a curse" if you don't, Galatians 3:13 "Christ redeemed us from the curse".

Malachi 3:9 CONTEXT:  

Malachi 3:6-12 KJV

[6] For I am YHVH, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed. [7] Even from the days of your fathers ye are gone away from mine ordinances, and have not kept them.  Return unto me, and I will return unto you, saith YHVH of hosts. But ye said, Wherein shall we return? [8] Will a man rob Elohim? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings. [9] Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation. [10] Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith YHVH of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it . [11] And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts. [12] And all nations shall call you blessed: for ye shall be a delightsome land, saith the Lord of hosts.

The curse was not the law, the curse was the result of not following the law.

Galations 3:13, we see in context:

Galatians 3:10 KJV

[10] For as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse: for it is written, Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law to do them.

SAYS THE SAME THING AS MALACHI.  They are witnesses of each other...

---

Article says:

But the law concerning our relationship to God has undergone a change (Hebrew 7:12) under the new covenant.

Hebrews 7:12 in context:

Hebrews 7:11-13 KJV

[11] If therefore perfection were by the Levitical priesthood, (for under it the people received the law,) what further need was there that another priest should rise after the order of Melchisedec, and not be called after the order of Aaron? [12] For the priesthood being changed, there is made of necessity a change also of the law. [13] For he of whom these things are spoken pertaineth to another tribe, of which no man gave attendance at the altar.

It is about changing the Levitical priesthood and the calling of tribes until we are reassigned in new Jerusalem...not the existence of the law itself.   This one is a little tricky because you have to have an understanding of how the tribes functioned throughout Torah (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy) to fully understand what it means.

--

Article says:

The law of Christ (Galatians 6:2) has all the components of the moral law of the Old Testament but none of the ceremonial law (Tithing, circumcision, ceremonial washing, Saturday worship, etc.).

They only offered one verse to support a very large and largely erroneous claim, which is feeble evidence within itself considering the specificity of the claim and the broadness of the verse...

Galatians 6:2 KJV

[2] Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

Fulfill again means to be full of or to completely do it all..."the law of Christ" is tricky and largely plays into the understanding of oneness vs trinity (a WHOLE NOTHER can of worms) and Yahshua's commands to keep His commandments.

--

Article says:

If we try to fulfill the law today it puts our salvation in jeopardy. Galatians 5:3-4 "we are severed from Christ if we keep the law". 

And

God wants us to stop trying to obey the Old Testament law. When we receive Christ he writes his law on our hearts.

The concept of writing His law on our hearts is actually in the Old Testament ... Nothing in the New Testament is actually new, it is a continuation of the Old Testament, it's the rest of the story, and it is very difficult to understand or to help someone understand without a thorough understanding of the very law you are trying to render void.

Context:

Galatians 5:18-23 KJV

[18] But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law. [19] Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these ; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, [20] Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, [21] Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of Elohim. [22] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, [23] Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

This basically is saying the law is for the lawless.  That if you are living by the law it within the law then you aren't "under it" because you aren't violating it.  The trick is to read verse 18 and then 22 and 23, going back to 19-21, all which summarize most of the things against the law you are arguing against.  

--

Article says:

I'm sure Jesus followed every point to the Old Testament law and I'm also sure it pains him to see us try to do the same.

Scripture says:

1 John 2:6 KJV

[6] He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he (Yahshua) walked.

--

Article says:

He nailed that system to the cross. (Col. 2:14) I'm free, I'm free, I'm free indeed.

CONTEXT says:

Colossians 2:13-14 KJV

[13] And you, being dead in your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses; [14] Blotting out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, which was contrary to us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to his cross;

Meaning he nailed OUR TRESPASSES the ones he forgave us of to the cross

--

Article says:

Matthew 11:13 law prophesied till John,

Context:

Matthew 11:18 KJV

[18] For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, He hath a devil.

In other words, the law and prophets have existed up until now and now they don't believe in my prophet??

--

I could go on and on and on but ultimately, whether you receive the truth or not is between you (namely your heart) and Yah.

Shalom!

Little Things

As a child, I was taught to never talk about Yah.

I was always smart but never enough.

It was great that I loved to sing, if only I could do it well.

I played piano all right, but never as good as everyone else.

My art was "odd."

My poetry didn't fit the mold.

I liked sports but I wasn't good enough.

I was fat and my face was too red and my hair was too thick.

I was too sensitive and I cried too much.

I was always too much or not enough, my mom was always proud but I never understood it because I was never good at anything.

It's really insignificant in the greater scheme of things, but here I am years and years later, living freely in Yah, and piece by piece He is helping to further remove my bonds. It's amazing the damage things in our lives have caused, but praise Yah that he overcomes it all and that he heals it all.  

It took me so many years to forgive my mom.  I actually finally was able to earlier this year.  I look at her in the feebleness of her old age, she's so sensitive to everything and takes everything so seriously and so personally and I've realized that she just poured all of her pain out on me all those years.  She was never good enough and she didn't even realize she did the harm that she did.  I never realized that she did the harm that she did.  I never realized we were so harmed.

I've forgiven her and this is my prayer to be able to shed the part of me left behind by the damage done. And I pray that He can help her heal the similar damage that someone likewise did to her.

I pray that I can live with no restrictions so that I might be able to give Yah every bit of honor and every bit of devotion and love and witness that He deserves.  I can never deserve Him, but I owe Him the effort.

HalaluYah that He looses all bonds.

😀😊☺️🌺HAPPINESS 🌺☺️😊😀

Psalm 144:15 KJV

[15] Happy is that people, that is in such a case: yea, happy is that people, whose Elohim is Yahveh.

Psalm 146:5-7 KJV

Happy is he that hath the Elohim of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in Yahveh his Elohim:  Which made heaven, and earth, the sea, and all that therein is : which keepeth truth for ever

Proverbs 3:13 KJV

[13] Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.

Proverbs 14:21 KJV

[21] He that despiseth his neighbour sinneth: but he that hath mercy on the poor, happy is he.

Proverbs 16:20 KJV

[20] He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in Yahveh, happy is he.

Proverbs 28:14 KJV

[14] Happy is the man that feareth alway: but he that hardeneth his heart shall fall into mischief.

Proverbs 29:18 KJV

[18] Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law (Torah), happy is he.

John 13:17 KJV

[17] If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.

1 Peter 3:14 KJV

[14] But and if ye suffer for righteousness' sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled;

1 Peter 4:14 KJV

[14] If ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of Yahveh resteth upon you: on their part he is evil spoken of, but on your part he is glorified.

Part 177: ICE

Everyone is chewing their food, briefly looking around, trying at small talk until a conversation starts up.  There are more of us than usual today and I'm on the far end of the table when I'm usually three chairs down between the one across from me and the one not here.  I forget  who was even sitting beside me today, I just took deep breaths and prayed calmness in Yah.  People aren't 100% my strong point.  I genuinely love every person in that room, but people aren't 100% my strong point.

"So I want to know why anyone in this room that hasn't done the ice bucket challenge hasn't done the dang ice bucket challenge yet?"  He's leaning back in the chair at the end of the long conference table, I set down my sandwich and clear my throat.

Everyone looks at me.  "Well, it's actually really complicated.  And it really is just personal reasons, I really don't judge anybody for their personal decisions.  Ummm several reasons...like...they support abortion."

I feel kinda the same way I did when I was 12 and I was on stage in the spelling bee, rapidly signing every word under my long sleeves.  Breathe.  Pray.

Computer guy chimes in, "Nope, I don't really know that they do, I think that's a crappy argument because there is no actual proof that they do, I argued about that with some guy on Facebook.  Try again."

Me: "They don't refute it."

Office girl 1:  "So, you won't pay into anyone that doesn't speak against abortion?"

Me:  "I don't donate to any, no."

Office girl 2:  "That doesn't mean anything."

Me: "Its really just my personal..."

The boss pops up, "You don't pay taxes? You know your taxes go to abortion and other bad things.."

Me:  "I don't have a say in that."

Boss:  "Yeah you do, work and pay taxes, don't work, don't pay."

Me:  "I kinda love and need my job."

Office girl 3:  "You know, Kara's uncle had ALS and he..."  Carries on with someone else...

Eyes on me.

"I mean, donating is great but I've known a lot of people that suffered from one thing or another and me donating to a big organization didn't make any impact on their life at all.  But helping with medical bills..."

Eyes on me.

"It's a waste of water."

Someone Else:  "But you shower?"

"Well, I have religious reasons too..."

Someone Else:  "No really it's not a big deal."

Everyone breaks off into small conversations.  Guy One and Guy Two are loudly debating with Office Girl 3 about why it's okay for two girls but not for two guys to be gay.

Guy 2:  "Dayum, if their hot more power to them!"

End of the Table:  "I just think if I had to have ice water poured on my head, everyone should have ice water poured on their head at least once because that shit was so cold.  Do you have any idea what it feels like to have ice water poured down the back of your head?"

"Yes, I do."

"You do?"  He sounded doubtful but let it go.

--

I prayed this morning, "Please don't let me accidentally lie."   I meant it.  I never would on purpose but how easy it would be sometimes to nod my head and mislead someone.

Looking back this evening at what I've done today, I question myself there, at lunch.  The ALS challenge, do I really know what ice water down the back of my head feels like?  Oh please, Yah, let me not to have lied.

Memories of cold water...swimming as a kid, playing in water hoses...cold water on hot days in bathing suits...I don't think that's quite the same thing...

Cold showers.  Back when we lived in our old house.  I had an electric skillet (but no way to pour it) , a teapot, and a microwaveable bowl.  The coffee pot brewed too hot and it was so cold that winter, you could never brew water got enough or fast enough to have a bath.

I'd put the heater in the bathroom a good hour before.  Then right at the hour marker, I would warm up the teapot.  I'd go in the bathroom and turn on the hot water.  It was actually cold water but I figured the water sitting in the cold water heater would still beat water coming from the ground.  

I'd point the water as far down as I could, hold my breath, and flip my head over.  Just think of how nice and warm that water is gonna be when you rinse...

Ice cubes.  Like liquid ice cubes down the back of my head...

Praise Yah, I didn't lie today!

Remembrance

Do you remember the first time

Do you remember the feeling inside

Do you remember the first time you lied

And a piece of your conscience that died

Do you remember 

Do you remember

I can remember the first time I swore

The first time I took pride in the dress that I wore

I can remember the first time I was meant

I knew it was wrong, it was felt in my being

Do you remember the first time

Do you remember the feeling inside

Do you remember the first time you pried 

And that little piece of your conscience that died

Do you remember 

Do you remember

I can remember the first time

I do remember that feeling inside

I remember the first time I slacked off and said that I tried

Remembering the pieces of conscience paralyzed

HalaluYah !

Yahshua conquered death 

Part 5: Standing Still

~~~LANGUAGE WARNING ~~~Disclaimer - in trying to make the voice as accurate as possible, I did not censor this entry in any way.


Barbie wasn't your average 14 year old. Daughter of a rocker, she was definitely sassy. I'm not sure what ever happened to her real mom, but we thought her Stepmom was cool as hell. And I'm pretty sure she was a vampiress or some other kind of freaky.


Barbie was beautiful. She was neither tall nor short, but her skeletal frame could not possibly have amounted to more than 80 pounds. Big beautiful eyes outlined with thick black lines, big beautiful black lips, her cold blue eyes popped in contrast, rivaled only by her deathly pale skin. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't uber jealous at the time. Her long black mane matched that of her husband Scott, the Italian stud.


Life with them was...wreckless. Still riding the high of newfound freedom, my 17 year old graduated self was loving the outta school no rules lifestyle. I don't remember much about college at that time, only that I passed. Somehow. I do remember calling into work a few times. Sometimes we were sick and sometimes we weren't. Sometimes we really just didn't care.


Only a few things are notable from that time. The guys huffed a lot. My car broke down a lot. We were pretty sure some demons lived under the house. James registered to vote just in time to vote Obama. And one time we got locked in the mall. We had lots of cats and dogs and rabbits. Well, actually, they had a lot of cats and dogs and rabbits, but we had two little calico kittens that we claimed as our own.


Scott and Barbie fought a lot. But that wasn't none of my business. We had our room on one side of the house downstairs, they lived upstairs. Scott and James had been bro's since before even James and I had gotten together some three years earlier.
We spent a lot of time with Mom 2. Her and his little sister, Connie, had finally moved out of his Grandma's house. Mom 2 said she had always relied on someone else and her own place was high on the bucket list. Even if it was a government apartment, it was home to her. And a second home for us.


Our house was a little less than clean. There was a bit more excretion from all the animals than us four kids were exactly prepared to deal with. And we slept on the floor. And the space heaters...they didn't really heat much.


   Scott lost his job for sleeping in his truck at work but we didn't find out until payday didn't come with pay...because he had been spending the days out and about, sleeping in his truck during work hours because he was scared to tell us that there was no longer work to go to. Thank goodness for our credit card because that puppy kept the lights on that month. And took us probably six year to pay off, but that's a different story.




We had so much fun, too, though!


A good friend did piercings and didn't care how old I was. I got my tongue and my belly button done because I wasn't old enough for any other adult things. And because that was the hot thing to do. Piercings were sexy. I didn't value myself any more than the label I could obtain and, if nothing else, they, at the very least, made my fatass cool. And a rebel because I wasn't supposed to have a tongue ring at work. That was definitely a bonus.


One day, we talked someone into buying us a few gallons of wine. It was a dark night. Chilly but not too cold though that could just be the wine talking.


"I could be a gothic rabbit for Halloween." Barbie's favorite holiday is Halloween.


"Or you could be a gothic hooker." She kinda kicks Scott from where she's sitting while we all chuckle at his cleverness.


"Hey, can you trade me spots, babe?" James never could get as comfortable sitting in the floor as I could. Something about it somehow helps my hips.

Part 4: Coming Home

All I knew was we had to go back.  There was no choice but to go. I would never forgive myself if she died and we were here because we knew she was gonna die and just selfishly stayed.  I knew she was dying and we were here and the silence in my head couldn't scream it any louder.

I told James we were moving back.  All he could say was, "Are you sure we can?"   He never has to say much because our hearts beat as one and I know it's breaking.

I put in a three day notice at work, I remember crying and putting up the truck.  I pulled to hard on some packing and gummi snakes went everywhere.  My boss came up, "Oh Chiquita, I know it's a lot."

"It's not just that, Sil.  I LOVE my job, I love this place.  I'm burning the only good bridge I ever had and I'm just...takes a little bit to say goodbye, is all."

We had to leave in three days or rent would be due and I couldn't afford another day plus the trip back on one paycheck and to be honest, I was so far behind after the radiator, I wasn't quite sure our finances wouldn't implode shortly after if we stayed.  I already talked to Heather at Sonic and we were both starting back at our old jobs Friday.  Silvia promised me over and over that it would always have a job if I ever came back to the Rainforest.  Laine and Bev couldn't wait for us to come down.

"I had all of our things packed when I picked up my paycheck and my bank wouldn't cash it.  That gas station that didn't take cards but had an ATM?  Charged fees for every transaction.  And all of the stupid hose clamps and stop leak had overdrafted us, the dinner we took my parents to digging us just a little deeper. So I had to waste gas to find a bank to cash it and then they charged us $15.00 since we don't have an account even though the check was on their bank!"  Samson just looked at me.  He knew I was freaking out and he was just as calm as could be.

"I will give you $50.00.  You cannot say no, you will take it.  First, you and James go eat a good meal, you be well fed.  Use the rest for whatever it is you need."

"Samson, we're moving to Arkansas tonight.  I'll never be able to pay you back that much money."

"You pay me back, that's fine.  If not, that is okay, too.  My belly is full, I do not need it.  I know it will come back to me when I need it most.  But you must eat first!"

And that was goodbye to Samson.  We ate at The Rainforest one last time, I hate goodbyes.  

We came back in a blur that day, so overwhelmed with change and fear and excitement and goodbye.  I just remember the car being so totally crammed with stuff I couldn't see out any windows.  It had taken us two explorers to come up there and even mashing socks into the crevices of the packed car, we were leaving a lot behind.

--

I had a meeting with the Dean - Scott, I think his name was, the day before we left.  They had online programs, but web graphic design wasn't one of them.  Praise Yah October ended a trimester and it was perfect timing for me to switch around just as we moved.

"Just switch my major to business.  It's more practical, anyway."  He looked at me.

"Are you sure about this?"  He had helped me a lot this semester with questions far below a dean, but he answered them all anyway.

"Look, my boyfriend's mom is dying.  And she's like a second mom to me.  I don't really have a choice.  But really, web graphic design was a pipe dream anyway and business will get me better career options, I'm sure.  And someday I'll write a book about my crazy life and none of this will even matter anyway."

"Okay, it's done.  You are officially majoring in Business Administration with a concentration in Small Business Management and Entrepreneurship.  Make sure you graduate, Rusin, because that's what will make the book worth reading.  Getting what you wanted."

I'm not sure what I wanted.

--

It was about 1:00 in the morning when we crossed the Arkansas state line.  We came in by the P highway, right by the house I grew up in, so we took a detour.  We hadn't told my parents we were coming home, so you can imagine the shock on their faces when we woke them up with the doorbell.  They couldn't hide their happiness in seeing us, hugging us over and over again to be sure we were real.  

Then we hopped over to his Grandma's, where his mom was.  We passed our old high school, which had changed so much in the five short months we had been gone.  

His mom had tears in her eyes when she brought us in, so glad to have her babies with her.  James's little sister even teared up a little, standing there in shock with her Jack Skellington pajamas and her stop sign red hair.  Thirteen is just so young!

Everyone is alive, everyone is real and I'm really freaking tired, so we make our way through the eighth hour of our journey into Black Rock, where we'll be living with Kane and Barbie.

Part 3: Fireworks

When I think about Kansas, I think about fireworks.  I'll never forget how I felt when I opened our curtain from our four story window that first night and all the city lights (as far as I could see) were like fireworks.  We were finally here.  Alone, together.  Our moms were somewhere in that city traffic but all that existed to me in that moment was James and the rest of our life.

"My mom gave me a ring.  She said to pawn it if anything ever happened."

"Really?  My dad gave me his cross for the same reason!"

My dad and his mom were so much a like and they were both so freaking cool.

He put the ring with my necklace and we both decided that night that no matter what happened, we couldn't pawn Jesus.

We woke up early that first day, our moms at the door.  "Shannon, James, we got lost on our way home and ended up on the Kansas side of the city.  We decided to stop somewhere for the night and we found this quaint little motel, Settle Inn.  The guy at the front desk is a preacher or a prophet or an angel or something, his name is Samson.  We told him how you were moving into a motel with a kitchenette temporarily beside the school.  He told us, 'Bring your children here.'"

Mom 2 (James's mom) picks up seamlessly where Mom 1 (my mom) leaves off,  "There's no bars on any of the windows and the gas stations don't have armed guards.  And the weekly rate is half of what you're paying over here."

Mom 1 picks back up, "And they have a pool."  Damn, she knows me too well.

I would never admit in a million years that the money was an issue.  The room we were in was a little steep.  I knew I had the cash for at least three weeks, but after that, the $600 a week would have required us both to have full time jobs plus the social security check mom would be sending me monthly.  Unless, of course, we found an apartment by then.  But when you're planning for something you want as bad as I wanted this, those risks are just minuscule in perspective.  But I was very disappointed when our motel didn't have a pool.

So we packed all of our things that I unpacked yesterday and our moms led us to Samson.  They said they were staying another night to help us get settled in but really they just weren't ready for goodbye.  

Mom had never really let me drink up to that point, but I was an adult now.  We all got so drunk that night in their room, three doors down from ours.  We blubbered about his mom's cancer (thankfully in remission for the third time since I had known them).  Their babies had grown up and they loved us and how did we get here so fast?  My mom opened up like she hadn't in years.  I had missed that side of her.  And it was just enough to make it another difficult goodbye.

They left on the Fourth of July.  I remember standing under fireworks like I had never seen that night, his arms around me.  He pulled me close to him.  And in that moment, the taste of his kiss and the tenderness of his lips against mine consumed me...and I was overwhelmed with knowing that my life had never been so right. We were finally here.  Alone, together.

--

So I got the coolest job ever working in a rainforest-themed gift shop/restaurant with real-to-life animatronic elephants and a talking tree.  James got a job he hated at "the ghetto Walmart" and I let him quit because I hated the drive.  My dad called and woke me up every morning on schedule, letting me snooze for my requested five minutes before he would call me again. 

School was less exciting than I had anticipated.  I was going for web graphic design because I loved expressing myself through digital art but so far, all they had me doing was designing lame adds for a lame burger joint that doesn't even exist. 

None of my cool classmates shared more than one class with me and, even though our Kansas motel was only 3 miles away from campus, the line dividing the states likewise seemed to divide the people.

We gave up on the apartment thing pretty quick.  I don't think we found a single place for less than $700 a month, not counting the utility bills it would require.  Besides that, I was only 17 and we weren't married.  That meant I was a liability.  And only a motel would rent to us.  But it was okay because the maintenance guy at our motel hooked us up with alcohol by request and most of the motel crew would get us high on the side.  They were our friends and some even our neighbors.  Turns out quite a few people actually lived in that motel.  We never really used the pool much, though.  All of the vacationers and their loud children usually took full ownership of that area, completely oblivious that they were romping through someone else's back yard.  Continental breakfasts were usually the same way.

If it weren't for Samson's presence inspiring some conscience, I can't imagine what Kansas City might have been like.  He gave us father-like advice about life and love and relationships and living.  He talked about God a lot and you couldn't help but be a little inspired by the unwavering faith that allows a man to spend his last penny on something he believes in.  "God will provide."  He said it with such assurance, you just had to believe him.

--

It seems like all of my best memories are in a car.   The song in the background that particular day perfectly echoed my natural high of teenage ambition:  "Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar, you're gonna go far.  You're gonna fly, you're never gonna die, you're gonna make it if you try, they're gonna love you..."  James makes a face at me when I obnoxiously make my best guitar squeal sound.

We got hair cuts that day.

I go on and on, and he just listens.  He doesn't have to talk because our hearts beat as one and vocalize enough sufficiently for the both of us.

"It's a new city, we're starting a new life.  We can be whoever we wanna be.  There's no limitations, the sky's the limit!"  

"Yeah!"

James had lost his ID and we had just finished the grand adventure across the world to order him a new one.  Everything in the city is big.  It was nothing like the small town DMV that would print you one just cuz you said you lost it.  We had had to bring two pieces of mail, his birth certificate, social security sample, blood, DNA, and urine sample.  Actually, the urine sample was a different trip but you get the point.  Going downtown was always an adventure!

I flipped my hair as I cruised into QuikTrip, our home away from home, and I went in to buy some cigarettes with my college ID since James lost his.  

"I can't take that without a date of birth."

"Seriously?  Please?  I just moved here from Arkansas for college and we're still unpacking and I just can't seem to find our IDs but we went to the DMV today."  I really, really hated lying.  But they estimated three weeks for his ID to come in and going without cigs would be like a three week itch you just can't scratch.  I probably could have gotten Josh, the maintenance guy, to buy me some later but damn it, I was nic fitting now!

She still wasn't happy about it, but she sold them to me, anyway.

--

When I think about Kansas City, I almost think the world might have been spinning a little too fast sometimes.  I think about fireworks.  I think about how desperately in love I am with that perfect man.  I think about getting rear ended at a stoplight by a distracted kid and just letting him go.  We had adventures worth a lifetime discovering new parts of the world together every night - Guitar Center, Piano World, Game Stop.  Every night ended with hours in the car, eating our cheddar jalapeño sausages and drinking frozen cappuccino from our 52 ounce QuikTrip cups, planning our next adventure.  The motel was a block away from a QuikTrip and I told James every night, "Just you wait.  When I turn 18, I'm so working there."

I'll never forget that one night that we went to QuikTrip and filled a couple of water bottles with gas.  We huffed it all night, swimming in rivers of color in a world where time doesn't exist, our ears caressed by the soothing tunes of Pink Floyd's "If" and "See Emily Play."  I don't think I have ever woke up more hungover in my life than I did that next day.  I NEVER did that again.  

Or the time someone gave James some shrooms and he ate the caps and I ate the stems.  He told me I didn't have to do it with him and that he knew that kind of thing scared me.  But the thing is, I wanted to.  It was a thrill, it was bad.  It was as far away from home as I could get.  It was alluring because he was doing it.  Because I remembered the romantic stories my mom would tell me of her young adulthood in the 60's and it was cool to be bad.  And we had the time of our life.  I sincerely never meant to drive under the influence, but they took so long to kick in for me and James had said that sometimes the stems don't work.  He had seen this television commercial about Denny's and was convinced it was a magical breakfast land with pancake slides and he just had to go.  And it was 3 a.m. and I was bored and disappointed and hungry so I humored him.  And I tripped the whole way there.  And everything was so...much!  The good and the bad and the terror of seeing a cop and the heart thumping realization that I was doing something wrong.  We never got caught, Praise Yah, and we didn't die.  And we spent the night into the morning as two kids euphorically dancing and laughing the night away.

There was the one night we huffed air duster though, back when it still tasted good, before they put the "bitter-agents" in it...and James stopped breathing.  I just remember feeling so good, lulled by the "wah-wah's," and everything I see is as though in a strobe light, and I have never felt so right.  Like fireworks.  And I hear him gurgle, and my heart catches in my throat.  And I metaphorically wave my arms trying to cut through the fog, the fog that just moments ago held me so gently and now it was suffocating me.  I knew what that sound meant, somewhere in my innermost being I knew what was happening and I knew I didn't have much time to get with it. 

The rest of that was just a blur, I was just so overwhelmed with fear and loneliness and relief and the threat of goodbye. 

And oh my gosh how excited we were when James got his first credit card!  It only had a $300 limit, but it had his name on it and everything.  I remember James would get carded for cigarettes and would huff in indignation, "Don't they know you have to be 18 to have a credit card??"  He's so damn cute.

And the time the hotel accidentally over-authorized us and tied up our whole account.  Or the time my radiator went out.  

My mom and dad drove all the way up there that next day.  I had called them, crying and crying.  "My radiator is overheating and Daniel, my boss's husband, did all he could to it, and we kept having to use the ATM at this gas station that didn't take cards for hose clamps and screw drivers and it was hot and my car!! Dad, my car!! What do I do??"

We had a reunion and we traded cars. And I wanted them to know I was every bit of strong and independent and every bit of super freaking awesome (maybe not freaking) mature young adult they had ever raised me to be.

We took them to The Rainforest and all my coworkers made the moment perfect, that "I did it, dad!" moment that every adult looks forward to.  They had such an amazing time and were so happy and proud to see how fine we were doing.

And they went home, them taking my piece of crap explorer home and leaving me the big white one.  And everything was great and life continued on.

Dad would call me every day, he was doing good just not quite feeling the greatest yet but doing everything the doctor asked.  And in the out-of-sight, out-of-mind way that I have, I believed him when he said he was fine.  He was quitting smoking and he was in good hands.

I remember for his birthday that year, I sent him a Rainforest T-Shirt that said, "I wish you were here."  He had called to tell me it was his favorite shirt.  And James sent him a knife because, "Every good man needs to have a good knife."  My dad called to tell him it was his best knife.  I wish he was here.

And then we got THAT call.  The call that makes terror just grip you because it's  THAT would be the call - the call saying she didn't think she'd make it this time.  It was mom 2 and they found another tumor.  And we weren't going to get lucky this time because this one was the one and they gave her six months.

Part 167

"I had a dream.  A dark man with a dark eyes came out from darkness with a faint wind around him.  He said, 'You don't have to listen to Yah's will.'  And I looked him in the eyes and I told him, 'That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.  Yahveh rebuke you.'  And he went away."

Part 2: Saying Goodbyes

I could feel my breath catching in my throat. It was the it-the moment I'd been counting down to literally my entire life. The love of my life had already made this walk only moments before.  And quite honestly, I'm not able to focus on much aside from my flushed cheeks, the heat in the gym, and the surreal feeling of the teenage dreamer's equivalent of starring on the red carpet or making a million bucks or something.  I walk down the aisle and take my seat among my classmates and sit impatiently through all of the mandatory mumbo-jumbo.  I would have been valedictorian if I hadn't graduated a year early, but there's still the satisfaction in knowing that my GPA was higher than that of the lanky jock talking about being friends forever and junk.  

But the music makes me cry.  

And my parents make me cry.  

And my friends make me cry.  

And it was successfully memorable enough as a very emotional beginning to the rest of my life.  

Seventeen years old and the world is at my fingertips!

Missouri. We plan to move to Missouri for our first trek away from home.  But not just any part of Missouri, the razzle-you, dazzle-you Kansas City, Missouri to go to the not-so-renowned modern business college that successfully razzle-dazzled me.  

James and I have saved up enough money to get us there after busting our asses at Sonic for the last few years.  I think it's enough to get us into an apartment; to get us started at least.

Mom has begged and begged me not to go but Dad knows my life has to start sometime. I won't be 18 until February and that worries him a little, but I've got a good head on my shoulders and, as a high school graduate, I'm virtually unstoppable.  Besides, James is old enough to buy our cigarettes.

One week to go, and everything seems perfect.

Six more days...

Five more days...

Four more days...

"Hey Shannon, your dad doesn't look so well."
"Are you sure he's not just high?"
"No, really, Shannon, he's limping more than usual and complaining that his legs feel swollen."
Those words resonate with me more than most. My dad actually had open-heart surgery a while back and the doctor told him that he would be back in three years if he didn't make some serious lifestyle changes. That was ten years ago and my black-coffee guzzling dad was still smoking his 3 packs a day.

I make my way into the living room, approach the fuzzy blue recliner, and start casually peaking at my dad's extended legs. James was right. He is really swollen.
"Hey dad, how long have your legs been swollen?"
"Oh, Shannon, I don't know. What does it matter?" 
"It might have something to do with your heart.  Or your blood flow circulation. You could be about to have a heart attack or a stroke or-"
"I'm not going to the doctor, I'm fine."
"But dad, you've gotta go! I won't have time to take you after today because I'll be packing and then you're going to be home alone for a few days when mom moves us in and we'll be four hundred miles away! What if something bad happens to you? I will never forgive myself if you die because you didn't go to the hospital and I could have saved you because I knew you needed to go to the hospital but instead I just sat around and let you be stubborn and not go to the freaking hospital when I knew you needed to!!"
He glares at me a little over the word "freaking," but I think I got my point across.  Five years ago, he was unstoppable. He was tan and fit with his thick, dark black hair and his stark, icy blue eyes. Now I'm looking at my dad's pale skin, a shade of gray much ashier than that of his thinning hair.  His thin, frail frame is almost swallowed up by the recliner.  I think it takes most of his energy to just change the tv channel sometimes.  But I miss his eyes the most. He used to have the most breath-taking eyes imaginable, I used to pray and pray and pray somehow my eyes would eventually evolve into his, but now his eyes are cloudy with dark shadows around them. I usually use the out-of-sight, out-of-mind approach until moments like this one where I actually take it all in.  And then I start to cry.
"Fine, I'll go to the doctor but I'm not going to Jonesboro today."
"But dad, this hospital is a bandaid station! I wouldn't take my worst enemy there for a cold let alone my only father for a probable heart issue!"  He knows I am freaking out and he's just so calm, always keeping his cool.
"Deal or no deal." God, he's just as stubborn as I am. A doctor, although a somewhat uneducated potentially totally nit wit doctor, is better than no doctor, I suppose. So I agree.
Mom, Dad, James and I all pile into the dusty white explorer. I start the car, pull out of the driveway, and make a beeline straight for Jonesboro. 

He fussed a little bit but I bought him a whopper on the way out of town and it seemed to suffice as an apology.  Plus my dad loved me.  And he knew how much he meant to me.  So he let me haul him into the Jonesboro ER where they poked and prodded and we waited and waited.

 James and I paced and paced the urban hills around the ER, smoking cigarette after cigarette.  Talking, reminiscing about dad and that very ER.  I pointed to a window high above us, "See that window?  That's part of the annex...I used to sit on the ledge and peer out of it as a little girl, just looking for distractions.  I remember every time a phone would ring...and terror would just grip me because I knew that THAT would be the call - the call saying dad didn't make it."  I take another drag and stomp out my cigarette.  We make it to the cemetery (who had the bright idea to plant a hospital beside a cemetery anyway??) and James lights me another one as we turn around to start pacing back.  "Haha!  Did I ever tell you about the time they lost dad?  Like literally could NOT find him anywhere.  They called us freaking out!  Of course, I was panicking thinking he fell down the stairwell or heat stroked in the parking garage but NO, he was just chilling watching a Cubs game in the waiting room right across from his room!  Can you believe that?  Does that sound like my dad or what?"  James chuckles.

That's what's so perfect about James.  He just stays so quiet and let's me just go on and on.  And he always chuckles, agrees, and "ah's" on cue.  He knows I am freaking out and he's just so calm, always keeping his cool.  And he always calms me down, just by standing there.  Just by walking with me and letting me rant and rave and cry when I need to.  "And in three days we're finally moving off together like a dream come true and here we are, chain smoking in a 'tobacco free' alley just praying it all works out.  In three days we'll finally get to take our first real whack at true adulthood, and here I am, just a scared little girl blubbering off and on like an idiot."  He stops.  We turn and face each other in silence.  In one fell swoop, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me to him.  In that moment, the taste of his kiss and the tenderness of his lips against mine consumes me...and I am overwhelmed with the euphoria of youth, of unguarded love, of knowing that my life has never been so right.

--

Dad calls me into the kitchen.  He hobbles into the light.  I peak down at his legs just to be sure.

"I'm fine, there's just some rain coming in."

I've been packing the car all morning.  James is outside with our moms.  This is the hardest part.  I had always been daddy's little girl and I had always hated telling him goodbye.  Especially this time, especially now.

"I wanna give you something."  He handed me his gold crucifix necklace that he always wore.

"Oh dad, no.  That's your cross!  You love that cross."

"I also love my little girl.  The cross is gold, the chain is gold, Jesus is white gold.  It's gotta be worth something.  And I want you to promise me - if something happens, you pawn it.  Promise me?"

"I love you, dad.  We'll be fine, I promise."  I hug him.  He wraps his arms around me like he used to when I was little, before it was "uncool."  We both wanna cry but we're both strong and stubborn heart-broken fools.

"I'll take it because it's pretty and I love you.  But I promise you will get it back someday."

"I love you, sweetie.  I'm so proud of you."

We left in a blur that day, so overwhelmed with change and fear and excitement and goodbye.  I remember waving goodbye to dad and watching him wave from the porch until I couldn't see him anymore, blowing kisses just like he used to when I was little.  I always hated saying goodbye to my dad.  My dog, Percy, just laid in the driveway and watched me go. She knew what was going on and she knew I wouldn't be taking her with me.  The house I grew up in and the life I had always lived faded into a trail of dust behind us.  But the biggest part of my life was sitting right beside me and leaving that country road behind me was the most liberating feeling--it was that "it" moment that I had been counting down to literally my entire life. 

Part 113: How Many Times

When I was 16, I wrecked my car. I hit a loose pile of dirt on a gravel road and violently fishtailed back and forth until my top heavy explorer veered right on two wheels and came to rest in a ditch, narrowly missing solid standing trees on all sides.  I escaped with no injuries, my car fully intact minus a $300 window. My parents even let me continue on to the friend's house, surprisingly understanding and glad for the lesson [safely] learned.  It was nothing short of petrifying as time slowed down and I realized I had lost control.  In those 8-10 seconds, I thought about a lot of things - pissed off parents, upset fiancé, losing my precious car, missing work, death.  The branches on the sides of the road were so loud when they would hit me (or I them, I suppose) and all of the miscellaneous junk in my car all flew at me at one time it seemed.  I remember pleading, "JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!!" Yah was DEFINITELY with me that day.

I used to torture myself, replaying what I believed their last moments might have been like, mentally willing myself into the car, praying I could have been in their place but at the very least WITH them.   I can see the backs of their heads. Hers was probably on his shoulder. They were probably holding hands.  He was probably going to fast, Taylor Swift's "Fearless" album providing the soundtrack.  "I don't know how it gets better than this, take my hand, drag me head first, fearless."  Our anthem that summer - the summer that nothing else could go right except that the FOUR of us had each other and our music and the Lord...and that's all we'd ever need.  I can hear her angelic voice, soft and sweet tinged with a thread of fear, "Randall!!"

But it's too late. By the time we see the deer in the headlights (was there fog I wonder?), we're too close.  Did he even have time to think before he chose to swerve?

I wonder if time slowed for them? If they had that, "Oh, shit" moment of terror when it started to roll?  (How loud is the destruction of metal?) If they cried out to Jesus (YAHSHUA) the same way I did in anguish so many nights after that one?

Part 166: The Lonliest House In the World

He says he has flashbacks.  About them.  Dying and stuff.  And as cold as it sounds to my own ears, I think I'm finally past that.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I still visualize car wrecks...a lot.  But the bloody details are gone.  For me, it's now more like a diagram on a black board before a ball game.  I see a log truck or a gravel hauler or maybe a guy with a rickety wheel...my mind plays out the final destination-esque scenario and when it doesn't happen, the sadistic coach inside my head wipes the board and starts again.  

For me, it's the house.  The house that was our home - "our" being all-inclusive meaning them, as well.  The house we stayed in way too long after the dream was over.  The house that became hell.  

I see it all so clear.  We had our hoarded little niche in the 12 x 12 living room.  Perpendicular couches that once seated our joyous family became our beds, and night turned into day and day into night and we would just think and think and think, two lonely prisoners secluded from each other and the world by the walls of our own mind.  With the doors blocked off by heavy blankets and the windows blacked out with aluminum foil, the only source of light was artificial, and the darkness was all-consuming.  

We had a kitchen.  A very bright, dirty kitchen that I never felt motivated to clean.  The last time I cleaned it, Shane was there.  Keeping me company.  Letting me vent about people dying and keeping my cool.  And we laughed together.  And he was real.  And he was there.  But that was centuries ago and now the dishes are piled high (I rinse them when we need them).  You have to go outside to burn the trash so I let it pile up until I can't stand it, my threshold constantly expanding.  We haven't had hot water in years and the only heat (or air in the summer) is in our room...the living room that we exist in.  There is a never ending cycle of laundry, floor to washer to dryer to top of dryer and if it falls I guess maybe I'll cycle it again if I ever happen to miss it.

There's a bathroom in the hallway, and three doors that each lead to another level of the purgatory we created.  Door one was the band room that used to have music.  Now there's a rug with the fading indention of a drum set that I helped Shane's mom dismantle after the accident.  Door two was the bedroom we started.  The one that Shane and Jess helped us paint.  It was going to be our room, our stuff still piled here and there, a painted closet door leaning against a wall, everything still exactly where we left it.  No bed, no dresser.  Just the beginning odds and ends thrown haphazardly into corners or boxes, a tv in the floor with an active DVR, neither of which would ever be used.  

Door three was at the end of the hall.  The room with the most memories.  Their moms had emptied their room while we were out one day.  We came home and their things were gone much in the same way they were, ripped away from us without so much as a goodbye.  There was a half-drink coke on the windowsill that turned yellow by the time we moved...

The house. 

The house that used to have two red cars in the driveway and then only had one.  

The house where even the puppies couldn't stay alive.  Where everything seemed to die.  

I drive past it every now and then, three years after we finally left a year too late.  For me, it was even worse than the ever-changing horror house of Stephen King's   "Rose Red."  I would have given anything for that house to change.  But instead that house changed me.