Little Things

As a child, I was taught to never talk about Yah.

I was always smart but never enough.

It was great that I loved to sing, if only I could do it well.

I played piano all right, but never as good as everyone else.

My art was "odd."

My poetry didn't fit the mold.

I liked sports but I wasn't good enough.

I was fat and my face was too red and my hair was too thick.

I was too sensitive and I cried too much.

I was always too much or not enough, my mom was always proud but I never understood it because I was never good at anything.

It's really insignificant in the greater scheme of things, but here I am years and years later, living freely in Yah, and piece by piece He is helping to further remove my bonds. It's amazing the damage things in our lives have caused, but praise Yah that he overcomes it all and that he heals it all.  

It took me so many years to forgive my mom.  I actually finally was able to earlier this year.  I look at her in the feebleness of her old age, she's so sensitive to everything and takes everything so seriously and so personally and I've realized that she just poured all of her pain out on me all those years.  She was never good enough and she didn't even realize she did the harm that she did.  I never realized that she did the harm that she did.  I never realized we were so harmed.

I've forgiven her and this is my prayer to be able to shed the part of me left behind by the damage done. And I pray that He can help her heal the similar damage that someone likewise did to her.

I pray that I can live with no restrictions so that I might be able to give Yah every bit of honor and every bit of devotion and love and witness that He deserves.  I can never deserve Him, but I owe Him the effort.

HalaluYah that He looses all bonds.