Now, you see, I am a believer in the Lord. I love Him with everything I am. And I know beyond doubt that my best friends are with Him. But it's still hard. Like a rat in a maze, I can't always see the bigger picture. The only person I've ever loved as much as I loved Shane and Jess is my husband. Once upon a time, we were really good. And then we met Shane and Jess. And they we were great - terrific, even. And then, like a dream you wake up from too soon and forever long to finish, they were gone. And suddenly, it's impossible to remember what it's like to be good.
It's been almost a year. And it's almost harder today than it was the day I got the phone call. Maybe it's because I'm 20. And she's still 18. Maybe it's because it's just been that much longer since I've seen my best friends. Maybe it's because I don't know what the future holds and I don't have them to face it with. Whatever the reason, it's not getting any easier.
See, they were more than just friends. They were, like...our other halves. If you took me and my husband, sliced us both down the middle, and combined one of his halves with one of mine, you'd have Shane. Combine the other two, and you'd have Jess. I remember staying up late with them one night, talking about how much we all loved each other. We were talking about how, upon meeting each other, it was like meeting our soulmates. We talked about how in the first five minutes, we knew the four of us were meant to spend our lives together (not in any kind of inappropriate way, but the best-friend-til-death kind of way) and that it was almost like we'd always known each other. And then, just as quickly as they blew in to our lives, they were gone.
Now, I've lost a lot of people. My dad, grandma, and mother-in-law among them. All three losses were hard, but it always got better. But Shane and Jess...I always figured they'd be around. And even if they weren't around, well, they'd be. I figured we'd all see 21, 30...kids, grandkids, life. There's so many things I want to share with them. So many concerts we would have taken them to, so many places I want them to see, so many people they'd love to meet. In fact, it hurts SOOOO much, I can't let myself really think about them. Not really. If I let myself remember then exactly the way they were, I think I might quite literally go insane. I think I could get so caught up in the memories that I would never want to come back. And I quite possibly never would.
Since Shane and Jess, our social life has pretty much died, as well. I'll be honest, no matter how hard I try not to, I will always hold potential friends to an impossibly high standard. There will never be anyone as perfect as they were. There will never be anyone that could ever bond with me and my husband as quickly and as flawlessly as they did. There will never be anyone ever again that could mean that much to us...partly because they were perfect and partly because I honestly think I would drop dead it would hurt so much if I ever had to lose someone that close ever again. Every time I hear about someone dying or I lose someone close, it always goes back to them. It's like losing them all over again.
The second reason I feel that it is impossible for me to make real friends anymore is because I'm tainted. My husband was there. My old friends were there. They know what the world lost and they are also tainted. They know what it's like to lose the world. I don't know that I could ever get close to the untainted. If someone untainted could ever understand the craziness that lingers just beneath my surface.
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